Mom Thoughts

While I’m relatively new at being a mom to a human, I’ve been a mom to a dog for nearly five years.  In fact, my adorable Lhasa Apso, Buckles, will celebrate his fifth birthday on June 25.

But, beyond just looking for an excuse to show off my cute pooch, I have a point.  While being Buckles’ mom I have learned lessons.  Earlier this week, I learned a big one from him.

I had just put his human sister down for a nap and needed to go and get the mail.  Buckles loves traipsing out front with me on his leash to get the mail.  I didn’t want to wake up his sister.  So, as I was letting him in from the backyard, I picked up his leash nearby without saying a word.  He saw the leash and knew we were going somewhere.  He didn’t know where.  I didn’t even ask him if he wanted to go get the mail, which is the phrase he knows.  He was just excited to go with me.

So that got me thinking about my relationship with God.  I have many times bemoaned the fact that I didn’t know what God had planned for me.  I have said time and again that I wish He’d just send a note so I’d know what the plan was.  But God and faith don’t work that way.  Instead, I need to be more like Buckles.  He was up for going anywhere with me.  He trusted me completely because I’ve never led him astray.  God has never led me astray.  He’s led me through some dark times and deep valleys, but He’s never let me go.

As my life shifts once again with change, I’m ready to be harnessed to God and follow His lead.  Just like my dog, I may not know where I’m going, but I know Who is taking me and that’s all that matters.

I think I may have mentioned before that I’m not a huge fan of change.  And, yet, life changes.  Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.

I was hit by this realization yet again this afternoon. I was washing baby stuff and having a bit of a pity party.  My line of thinking quickly went down the path of the past.  I started thinking that last year I didn’t have to interrupt my lunch to move someone from her bouncy seat to the floor because she was bored.  I didn’t have to scramble and try to unload the dishwasher before someone started fussing in her jumperoo.  I didn’t have to try to organize bags of breast milk in the freezer in the house and the chest freezer in the garage.  I didn’t have to wash baby dishes while listening to someone fuss because she was tired in her jumperoo and ready for her afternoon nap.  I didn’t have to try and hasten to get my work done during said nap time.  Last year, my baby was easy to take care of.  I was just starting to feel her move around in my belly.  Last year, I could have spent the afternoon in my office working.  Or even schedule time for a nap if I wanted.  This year, I would consider giving my right arm for a nap.

Then I finished the dishes and took her out of the jumperoo.  We headed to her rocker where I held her for a few moments before putting her down for the nap.  Last year I didn’t have a baby girl in my arms.  Last year I didn’t have a sweetheart snuggling into my neck.  Last year I didn’t have little fingers playing with the collar of my shirt.

It hit me once again that last year may have been easier, but it was nowhere near as good.  Balancing work and a baby may be a struggle.  And I may fall short some days, but the pay off is beyond worth it.

My daughter has slept well from the beginning of her life.  Of course she’d wake up in the early days to eat a time or two at night, but she has always been good at putting herself to sleep.  From the second month or so on, she’d fall asleep best on her own rather than with us holding her.  Sometimes she’d talk herself to sleep, but nothing dramatic.

Then came this week.  She will be seven months old on Sunday.  I’m not sure if she’s more aware of being alone or if she’s teething, but she screams bloody murder when we lay her down at night.  She does fine with naps.  So, after two nights of trying to console her and only making it worse, last night I knew that I needed to just leave her be.  I decided to give it 15 minutes.

We put her down.  The screaming started.  My husband closed her door so she wouldn’t hear us, but we could sure hear her.  I sat in the hallway.  I just couldn’t bring myself to go to the living room and watch television or something.  I shed some of my own tears as my heart broke for my baby girl crying so hard.  I prayed for her.  I prayed for me.  I asked God to comfort her as He could since I couldn’t.  I asked Him to give me strength and guidance to do and know what is best for her.

Within 10 minutes, she settled down and was fast asleep.  I was relieved.  My husband, who had been online looking for solutions, was relieved.  Then I started thinking.  I had worried that she felt abandoned by us.  I knew this was one of those times where she would never understand that as much as she was hurting, I was hurting for her even more.  That’s part of parenthood.

Then I realized that must be how it is for God sometimes.  I have had times where I felt like He abandoned me or wasn’t doing what I thought made since for Him to do.   Dealing with my daughter made me realize that He has never left me, just like I would never leave her.  He sat in the hallway and cried with me and for me.  His Son prayed for me.  They never forgot me or left me alone, but They knew that I needed to go through those difficult times to come out better and stronger in the end.  Just like I know my daughter will realize that she can fall asleep and all will be well, so have They known that I had to cry my tears and go through trials to come up stronger with even greater faith.

I am thankful that I have a God who will never abandon me.  I’m thankful, too, that I have a God who will help me to grow through hard times even when it breaks His own heart to do so just because it’s what is best for me.

I admit that I am not a person who thrives on change.  Some people do, but for the most part, I am a fan of routine.  Granted, every day is different in what I am working on, but my routine is relatively the same.  Even my daughter has a basic routine these days.  She, actually, is the one who got me thinking about change.  Sometimes I fight it — in both my work and personal lives.  Yet, when I embrace it, often the change is for the better.

I started thinking about this when we started giving my daughter food for the first time.  She started with rice cereal and then oatmeal a few weeks ago.  This week she had her six-month checkup and we got the all clear from her pediatrician to start giving her baby foods.  He suggests we start with vegetables.  So, last night before bedtime, we sat down at the table and served up some pureed vegetables.

Evidently, she is not a fan of change either.  She had quite some interesting facial expressions for us.  First she was excited, but we could tell the moment she realized that stuff on her tongue was not her usual oatmeal.  Her brow furrowed.  She spit some right back out.  Her bib became an orange mess before all was said and done.

What I know that she doesn’t know is this change will lead to good things.  She has to get past the carrots to move on to other vegetables.  And she has to get past those to get to the more fun fruits.  And she has to get past all that to get to the meats.  And it goes on from there.  I wish I could explain to her that sometimes you have to eat carrots before you can get to the chocolate cake, but she’ll have to learn.

I continue to learn in life that embracing change isn’t always bad.  I have had a few projects and articles where I grimace with my first bite.  Then as I get more into them, I realize they aren’t so bad.  And they lead to other projects and articles.  One change at a time.  Last year I give up adjunct teaching for a variety of reasons.  I fretted about that change, wondering if I made the right decision.  A year later, I can say that I did.  I loved teaching and would like to teach again someday, but for now, I’m enjoying other projects that I wouldn’t have had time for if I was still teaching a couple of classes.  I’m in the middle of editing a Christian fiction novel that is compelling, yet consuming.  That change is good.

While I’ll think of my daughter as she adjusts to changes that are for her good, I’m also realizing that I don’t want her to fear change.  I want her to embrace life’s challenges, so I must set that example for her.  I will take risks and send query letters I’ve been putting off.  I will continue to embrace change — while I also continue to enjoy my routine.  I’m pretty sure that I can have both.

In the years that I’ve been freelancing, I’ve learned I don’t get sick days.  Deadlines are deadlines and I’m the only person to pick up the slack. True I can prioritize and do only what has to be done on certain days, but I don’t really get sick days.

As a mom, I’ve now learned about working through my daughter’s sick days.  Lexiana got her first cold over the weekend.  Honestly, cold is maybe too strong of a word to use.  Sniffles is probably a bit more accurate, but to this first-time mom she might as well have had the croup.  I think overall I did well with not freaking out, but I will admit I did place a call to her pediatrician on Monday morning to check in.  I’ve made sure she didn’t have a fever.  I’ve made sure she didn’t start wheezing.  And I’ve listened to make sure she is still breathing well.

And I’ve figured out how to work through this first cold.  I have utilized my multitasking skills, but I’ve also learned to get the most accomplished during her nap times (not all that different) so that during her awake times I have been able to snuggle with her a little extra.  I’ve learned to plan extra time for her to eat because, as I know from having a stuffy nose, eating with a cold is a challenge.

We are now on the downside of these sniffles.  She has a bit of a cough here and there.  But she’s not nearly so congested.  We have survived our first cold.  I managed to meet deadlines in spite of it.  I’m pretty sure we can conquer anything together!

At least that’s how I feel today.  We’ll see how I feel tomorrow on this roller coaster called motherhood.

Bear with me as I go off topic from writing in this blog post, but I have something on my heart I must share.

As I write this with Christmas just days away, I am struck by the difference I feel this Christmas.  I have had Christmases that were different before.  There were two Christmases that were difficult after losing a loved one.  There was a Christmas spent in the hospital waiting to see if another loved one would pull through — and by the grace of God she did.

This Christmas is different in a better way, though.  This Christmas I have a daughter.  This Christmas I understand parental love.  I have always marveled at God sending His Son, knowing that He would have to die for our sins.  And I would think how I couldn’t imagine giving up a loved one like that.  I struggled to imagine even giving my beloved dog for that reason.  Now I look at my daughter’s precious face, and I know I couldn’t do it.  I don’t have that kind of love in me like God does.

I think about Mary and how she spent hours feeding baby Jesus and changing his diapers, just as I am doing with my daughter now, and I am breathless to think how she must have felt to see him hanging on the cross.

And I think about the cross.  I have always been grateful for Jesus’ sacrifice.  I have always been thankful for God’s faithfulness and love even when I fall so short.  But I am so much more grateful that He did those things for my daughter.  I want only the best for her.  I know He is the best, and I am so thankful that He was willing to give Himself for her.  I am awestruck that He loves her even more than I do.  I don’t think it’s possible, and yet I know it is because He is God.

So this Christmas will be different.  I will enjoy time with family.  I will enjoy giving and receiving gifts.  I will enjoy good food.  I will especially enjoy holding my baby girl.  But more than anything, I will be more thankful for the ultimate gift given to us in God’s Son.

May you have a joyous Christmas!