Finding faith through memories

I enjoy the “Memories” app on Facebook. It’s interesting to look back and see what I’ve shared in the past. It brings back memories — many of them good and some of them not quite as good. Four years ago today, I shared this photo.

I posted that it was my lunchtime view. At the time I had a nearly 2-year-old daughter. Getting to eat lunch alone somewhere peaceful was nice, but there is a story behind this photo that is far more than a quiet lunch alone in my car. I had just dropped of my child with her grandparents, gotten some lunch and was waiting for a doctor’s appointment. I was going to see if I was going to be able to carry another baby in my womb. My heart was heavy that day. I had some complications after my daughter was born and I didn’t know if my uterus was going to be a friendly place to another baby. I’d always assumed I’d have two children, but now I wasn’t sure that was going to be possible.

I didn’t share that information with anyone at the time aside from my husband. I couldn’t talk about it. I certainly didn’t post it on Facebook. My heart ached to have another baby. We had gone back and forth about expanding our family, but when I was faced with knowing that having another baby might not be an option, my heart was only more solidified that was what I wanted very much. And I prayed. I prayed and asked for God’s will. I prayed and ask for Him to take the desire for another baby from me if that wasn’t His will. I prayed and I trusted. I knew that no matter the answer that He was in control and faithful. At the same time, my heart couldn’t help but be a bit heavy. I just didn’t know what to expect. I was working on trust.

I ended up working with my doctor and was able to have another baby. In fact, by the next summer my second little one was just starting to grow in my belly. Today, four years later, my heart is filled with love for an almost 6-year-old little girl and her 2-1/2-year-old brother. God is faithful and God is good. He gave me the desire of my heart. And that’s what I am reminded of when I look at this photo. I’m reminded of the fear in the midst of trusting God. I’m reminded of how very much I wanted this precious child to be in my life. And it is just the reminder I need on a day like today. It’s a day that started with frustration with this very child that I so desperately prayed for and wanted when he would only circle around me whining while I was trying to get a few tasks completed in our day. For this child, I have prayed. For this child, I am thankful even when my patience is wearing thin.

It has been good timing. I am facing situations now that have my heart again calling out to God with all that I am. I’m not longing for a third baby. My baby days have ended; just nine months after my son was born I had to have a hysterectomy. But other circumstances in life have me waiting and wondering. I know that God is faithful; I know He is always in control. And I know that He always has blessings to bestow. Sometimes He tells us no. Sometimes we seem to have phases of our life where He always says no or wait. However, I trust and know it’s because He really does know what is best. I have spent my life learning that hard times always come. They just do, but God is always faithful. And I need reminders of His faithfulness when my faith starts to waver and dip with fear and anxiety. I need reminders of His faithfulness when I am overwhelmed by life and want to just curl up in a ball and cry.

For that reminder today, I have no farther to look than the face of this precious boy. I can’t imagine my life without him. I wish I could send this photo of him back to myself as I sat in my car looking at the river, eating a sandwich and wondering if a second baby would ever come into our lives.

But then again, I wouldn’t have grown in my faith and trust, I suppose. For now, I will just enjoy this sweet little dude and our surprise doughnut date we had this morning when we went to order cupcakes for his sister’s upcoming 6th birthday party. God is always good even when life is hard. He is always faithful even when we have to wait for answers or hear Him say no. For that, I am grateful.

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