Peace that passes understanding
I was reminded Monday that sometimes as a mom you just have to be strong for your child. You have to be the calm presence to assure them that all is well when they’re crying, even when you feel like crying yourself. There are times that we will cry together in her lifetime, but this week wasn’t one of them.
Within about 20 minutes after she was up for the day, Lexiana began having issues that immediately made me think she was starting to have the same bladder problem I do, interstitial cystitis. I’ve written about this before. Of all the things I could pass on, this is one thing I don’t want to. I pray that it stops with me. I also pray if that’s not God’s will that He’ll help me deal with it. On Monday, He did.
I held her and soothed her. I assured her she was fine. My heart broke and ached. My mind raced back to things from my own childhood with IC. I remembered the gym glasses I sat out of in elementary school because my bladder was hurting. I remembered the slumber parties I went to when a friend’s mom would make sure I got my medicine. I remembered the first 10-speed bicycle I got on the day I had an infection. I got to go for a short ride, but that was all. I wasn’t feeling well enough to go farther. I remembered the parties and showers I went to where I couldn’t have the punch that everyone else was drinking. (This was before bottled water, which is now my solution.) I remembered the numerous doctor’s appointments and how the bathroom smelled at my pediatrician’s office. I remembered the tricks my parents used to do to help make going to the bathroom a little less hard for me.
My childhood wasn’t horrible. It was actually a very good childhood. My bladder didn’t rule my life, but it has always been a present participant in my life and history. Always.
As a mom, there is no part of me that wants to share that with my child. But then a day like Monday happened. I felt like my worst nightmare was coming true. I was worried and scared. I was overwhelmed and sad. Yet, I was never alone. As I was getting ready to take the kiddo to her doctor, I felt God’s presence. He reminded me that He was there. He was in control, just as I’ve asked Him to be, and that I could trust Him. I fully did. I don’t want Lexiana to have IC, but I told God that afternoon that I was going with Him wherever we were going. He’d just have to help me through it.
I was surprised at that, to be honest. I like to think that I have great faith through adversity. I have achieved that during some difficult times in the past, and I’ve struggled with it during other past difficulties. I think it’s the nature of faith. Or perhaps it’s my own shortcomings. I do know that I had a peace on Monday that was not my own. And I am thankful for that.
I was reminded that while I love my daughter so much that I’d give up my own life for hers, He has already given up His life for her. Somehow He loves her more than I do. That’s beyond my comprehension. He wouldn’t forget us. He would be there for us.
For now, it was a false alarm. Yesterday was much better for the kiddo and today is off to a good start. Her bladder is most definitely not ruling her life right now. IC is not attacking her. Hopefully it will stay that way. I know my concern about it won’t ever stop. But, we’ve made it through one incident and survived, faith in tact, God’s peace passing my understanding yet again. I am thankful.
Today we will celebrate. We will dance in the kitchen, we will tickle each other, we will enjoy story time, we will sing songs and we will appreciate our twinkling Christmas tree lights. We will be normal. And it will be perfect and just what this mama needs. Thank you, Jesus!
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