Getting comfortable in my own skin

This week I’ve been feeling older.  Not like my body is going downhill or my hair is turning gray (though my body isn’t in its best shape and I do find white hairs sometimes that I immediately pluck), but more like a maturity thing.  That sounds weird, I know.  In fact, it sounds even weirder to people who have known me for a long time because I’ve always been one of those more-mature-than-her-age type of gals.  But, I feel like I am now more comfortable in my own skin.  (Because I’m also very much an awkward, introverted type of gal.  I’m learning how to embrace that, but that’s a whole other blog post in itself.)

For example, yesterday I went to get a hair cut.  I intended to just get a trim, but I ended up a couple of inches shorter.  It’s not a dramatic change, but it is different.  And I had a different hair stylist than usual.  In fact he was an older man.  He did a very good job and talked with me about my hair and how it behaves.  The thing is I knew all the answers to what he was asking me.  I know that the left side of my hair tends to flip out a bit more than the right and be harder to control.  I know that the shorter and more layered my hair is, the more curls it has.  I know that its texture doesn’t lend itself to being straightened.  (It turns into straight cotton candy.)  I know that having it thinned with scissors makes it look weird.  These are things that I didn’t really know 10 or 15 years ago.  I know this now.  I have embraced the type of hair that I have.  And I know how to communicate what I want and how it styles best.

I know.  It’s just hair, but that’s just one example.  For some reason lately I’ve felt like I’m channeling my mom.  I’m remembering back to how my mom was when I was a child and realizing that we have a lot of similarities.  OK, I knew we had a lot of similarities, but somehow I know it even more lately.  I’m relating to my mother more as a mother and less as a woman, if that makes sense.  I feel so much more confident about being a mom than I did two years ago when I was a month into motherhood.  I know my child even better than I know my hair.  I know what makes her happy.  I know how to soothe her when she’s upset.  I know what she likes for breakfast.  I know how to let her feel independent when she needs to.  I know how she likes to be tucked in just so.  Of course, she tells me lots of stuff now that she wants.  She communicates fully in sentences, but some stuff she doesn’t yet know how to communicate and I know that, too.  It makes me feel proud and strong.  As a kid, I thought my mom always knew what to do for everything.  Right now, Lexiana feels the same way about me.  She’ll lie in her crib talking about how mommy will fix something, get her something or do something.  And this makes me happy.

I’m not sure if this new comfort level has to do more with age or with motherhood.  I think it’s a mix of both.  I think it’s learning about me after a lifetime of being me and embracing the person I am.  I know my fears and concerns.  I know when I’m oversensitive to something.  Don’t get me wrong, I am far from perfect and I am not always self aware, but I am much more so than I have been at any other point in my life.  I feel somehow more grown up than ever before.  Being in my 30s has made me relax and just be me without apology.

And here’s the other thing I know about me: this is how I feel today, but I can’t promise it will be the same tomorrow.  You see, today I feel mature and confident and comfortable in my own skin.  I feel like I know me.   Because of that, I also know that I will still have some times when something happens that takes me right back to feeling like I’m 12 and insecure.  Those times, though, are coming fewer and farther between.  For that, I’m thankful.  But, there is a little girl Stacey stuck inside of me still who occasionally rears her head and gets her feelings hurt.  Maybe being mature is recognizing that.  I don’t know.

I do know that so far, I am enjoying my 30s much more than I have any other age decade in my life.  I’m two years in, and I’m glad (and proud!) to be here.

What’s your favorite age or one you’re most looking forward to?

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