Archive for April, 2010

My daughter has slept well from the beginning of her life.  Of course she’d wake up in the early days to eat a time or two at night, but she has always been good at putting herself to sleep.  From the second month or so on, she’d fall asleep best on her own rather than with us holding her.  Sometimes she’d talk herself to sleep, but nothing dramatic.

Then came this week.  She will be seven months old on Sunday.  I’m not sure if she’s more aware of being alone or if she’s teething, but she screams bloody murder when we lay her down at night.  She does fine with naps.  So, after two nights of trying to console her and only making it worse, last night I knew that I needed to just leave her be.  I decided to give it 15 minutes.

We put her down.  The screaming started.  My husband closed her door so she wouldn’t hear us, but we could sure hear her.  I sat in the hallway.  I just couldn’t bring myself to go to the living room and watch television or something.  I shed some of my own tears as my heart broke for my baby girl crying so hard.  I prayed for her.  I prayed for me.  I asked God to comfort her as He could since I couldn’t.  I asked Him to give me strength and guidance to do and know what is best for her.

Within 10 minutes, she settled down and was fast asleep.  I was relieved.  My husband, who had been online looking for solutions, was relieved.  Then I started thinking.  I had worried that she felt abandoned by us.  I knew this was one of those times where she would never understand that as much as she was hurting, I was hurting for her even more.  That’s part of parenthood.

Then I realized that must be how it is for God sometimes.  I have had times where I felt like He abandoned me or wasn’t doing what I thought made since for Him to do.   Dealing with my daughter made me realize that He has never left me, just like I would never leave her.  He sat in the hallway and cried with me and for me.  His Son prayed for me.  They never forgot me or left me alone, but They knew that I needed to go through those difficult times to come out better and stronger in the end.  Just like I know my daughter will realize that she can fall asleep and all will be well, so have They known that I had to cry my tears and go through trials to come up stronger with even greater faith.

I am thankful that I have a God who will never abandon me.  I’m thankful, too, that I have a God who will help me to grow through hard times even when it breaks His own heart to do so just because it’s what is best for me.

I admit that I am not a person who thrives on change.  Some people do, but for the most part, I am a fan of routine.  Granted, every day is different in what I am working on, but my routine is relatively the same.  Even my daughter has a basic routine these days.  She, actually, is the one who got me thinking about change.  Sometimes I fight it — in both my work and personal lives.  Yet, when I embrace it, often the change is for the better.

I started thinking about this when we started giving my daughter food for the first time.  She started with rice cereal and then oatmeal a few weeks ago.  This week she had her six-month checkup and we got the all clear from her pediatrician to start giving her baby foods.  He suggests we start with vegetables.  So, last night before bedtime, we sat down at the table and served up some pureed vegetables.

Evidently, she is not a fan of change either.  She had quite some interesting facial expressions for us.  First she was excited, but we could tell the moment she realized that stuff on her tongue was not her usual oatmeal.  Her brow furrowed.  She spit some right back out.  Her bib became an orange mess before all was said and done.

What I know that she doesn’t know is this change will lead to good things.  She has to get past the carrots to move on to other vegetables.  And she has to get past those to get to the more fun fruits.  And she has to get past all that to get to the meats.  And it goes on from there.  I wish I could explain to her that sometimes you have to eat carrots before you can get to the chocolate cake, but she’ll have to learn.

I continue to learn in life that embracing change isn’t always bad.  I have had a few projects and articles where I grimace with my first bite.  Then as I get more into them, I realize they aren’t so bad.  And they lead to other projects and articles.  One change at a time.  Last year I give up adjunct teaching for a variety of reasons.  I fretted about that change, wondering if I made the right decision.  A year later, I can say that I did.  I loved teaching and would like to teach again someday, but for now, I’m enjoying other projects that I wouldn’t have had time for if I was still teaching a couple of classes.  I’m in the middle of editing a Christian fiction novel that is compelling, yet consuming.  That change is good.

While I’ll think of my daughter as she adjusts to changes that are for her good, I’m also realizing that I don’t want her to fear change.  I want her to embrace life’s challenges, so I must set that example for her.  I will take risks and send query letters I’ve been putting off.  I will continue to embrace change — while I also continue to enjoy my routine.  I’m pretty sure that I can have both.